It had been quite a week.
I finished 39 episodes of GLEE in 6 days, out of which 17 was done in one. I love the show, it makes me want to burst out in songs and dance... something I have shared endlessly with Xiaozhe (asked me to go ahead but instincts tell me that he will somehow disappear if it really happen) and my bbbff (pointedly remark that our friendship is not yet strong enough to withstand this happening).
I'm not going all cheesy and say that it reminds me of my high school days, because my Secondary School and JC days were nowhere as happening or dramatic as that. But somewhere between the uplifting songs, performances, lines... I felt motivated, to pursue my dreams too. I had them in Junior College - one was to play in the Nationals and the other was to get into University. That was the last time I remember working hard for something I really really wanted. So when I surround myself with songs that boost my positive energy, I suppose that's where all these emotions really start.
Now, the only issue is, what the dream could be. ?
I find myself in an episiode of my own drama this week, Titled - 27 & Clueless : "Searching for..." (too much dramas lately maybe?)
One week of indulging in GLEE and it's never ending optimism and cheer is part one of the script. The others are the 3 people I spoke to during the week.
One. I attended a few gatherings and I was just commenting to Xiaozhe how I find it difficult to fit in sometimes. I don't quite know how to join in discussions, say interesting things or give logical opinions that people understand, and let people have a conversation that includes me. It's a skill I tell you, and I know I seriously used them up when I talked excessively in Kindergarten and Primary School.
Xiaozhe merely said "you can just listen".
To me, keeping quiet was because of all the above mentioned. To him, if I have nothing sensible to say, it would be best to keep my lip together and instead, listen to what others are saying. Not just hear, or read lips and space out, but really listen.
Two. I had a late dinner with a cousin 12 years my junior, who was sharing with me her plans in life, her ambitions and her dilemmas (about her plans in life, not some silly BGR issues) and I was kinda unnerved by her level of matureness. (-o-) Here I am, at 27 and clueless. And there she is, troubled at 15 about her dreams.
She next threw me a question about what my ambition was, at her age. And I was kinda thrown off by that question. I mean many people have asked about what I want to do in life, but no one really asked me about what did I want to do in future back then. I didn't tell her that I wanted to be a FBI agent (because I was watching X-files) or a doctor (ER, and my grades really sucks) or Charlie's Angels (well, Charlie's Angels), so I said something intelligent like what a person, 12 years her senior should.
But it set me thinking. Specifically about what... I'm not really sure. But, it just sets my mind whirling around more then usual.
Three. It was after the very oily but good Ayam Penyet with Run (She had been griping about her work-communication issues and I was as usual lamenting about my life's confusion and early stage of the the late quarter life crisis) when she said "I think you want to be successful in your own terms. You just don't know what your terms are yet."
And I thought - it's real. Someone understands, so it's not another of the strange thought in my head only. I have heard so many people's definition of success for myself is to climb up the frightening ladder in the corporate world (I'm afraid of heights), but something tells me that I somehow might not be cut out for this. There seems to be something more for me... I just haven't found it yet. (-o-)
The other thing that blows me away? Someone understand, when probably not many others notice or sees it. And Run so seldom says such philosophical things. :)
So there you go, it has been a defining week for me since the start of 2011. (I think I wrote enough for this post to cover what I had missed in the past few months)
:) Shower me with courage
